


The Size Matters!

by EllohriaEllihse, nightflower_panda



Series: Porcelain Phallacies [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Clarus/Regis - Freeform, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Questionable items of pottery, Regis Lucis Caelum is a Troll, The Author Regrets Nothing, background gladnoct - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:15:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26231002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllohriaEllihse/pseuds/EllohriaEllihse, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightflower_panda/pseuds/nightflower_panda
Summary: After only a few weeks, the Prince and Shield Edition mugs soon become the talk of Insomnia... And there's enough demand for a second series to be made.King Regis finds out. Clarus tries his best to stop whatever comes next.
Relationships: Clarus Amicitia/Regis Lucis Caelum, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Porcelain Phallacies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903486
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	The Size Matters!

A loud shout is heard from the other side of the door, making the Shield and two Crownsguard be on full alert. With their weapons out and ready, they waste no time in immediately opening the door, barging in the room. Looking around and ready to attack, they quickly assess their surroundings and see that there is no one in the room, except their king who is behind his desk and somewhat lost in thought about something. 

With a short sigh of relief coming from the Shield, they withdraw their weapons before Clarus gives a silent command to the Crownsguard to return to their posts, telling them that he will take care of this. He waits for them to leave and close the door, wanting to have privacy, before he walks towards Regis.

“You have given us a fright there, Your Majesty. I thought there was a daemon in this room when you shouted.” 

Hearing no immediate response from the other, he changes his demeanor and approach towards the King. He leans toward Regis, who’s still sitting on his chair, making it seem like he is somewhat hovering over him due to his height. With his hand on his shoulder, Clarus asks once more but filled with loving concern this time, “What’s wrong, love? Are you alright?”

His thoughts quickly cut off, Regis doesn't have time to think. He casually rambles on while glancing at his Shield, obviously forgetting where they are or that he’s the King, “Yes – I mean no. I’m alright, forgive me for shouting.” 

“What happened, Regis?” Clarus asks once again, curious what made his King react the way he did a while ago. 

“Nothing! It’s just…”

“It’s just what?” Clarus presses on with the issue at hand, his eyes on his young lover for a few seconds. As he is about to ask him again, he sees something in the corner of his eye. “What in the –”

And before Clarus can finish his sentence, Regis quickly puts the items inside a box, closing it with its lid. He shoves the box to the side, and acts like it was nothing. On the other hand, Clarus is surprised by what he just saw. With partially parted lips and widened eyes, Clarus watches the other clear his throat and try to act professional. 

“It was nothing, Clarus. I will be finished soon with these documents. Please wait for me outside,” Regis says, now in his King mode.

Softly growling under his breath, Clarus calls his lover’s attention, “Regis Lucis Caelum." Clarus' voice is filled with authority, “What. Was. That.”

“It was nothing – ”

“You can’t lie to me. Show it to me, right now,” Clarus demands, now standing up straight beside Regis with his arms crossed. 

Sighing in defeat, he knows he can’t get out of this now. Bringing the box to the center of their attention, Regis opens the box and takes out the two mugs on display. 

Clarus has always been considerate with Regis and his mood swings. They have been together for years now, and he could say that he has handled almost every situation, whenever Regis tends to go overboard and let his emotions take over him. Everyone in the Citadel, especially Weskham and the others, know how his lover can sometimes be an oddball, especially with his odd taste on novelty items. But this is going to the next level.

Clarus would usually accept anything that Regis would buy; however, these cups aren’t going to get approval from him at all. It isn’t just a scandal. It’s just… _distracting._

The so-called 'King and Shield Edition' are tea cups with no handle. For utilitarian reasons, it passes the test… until Clarus considers what makes the cups _uniquely interesting._

The designs are the ones which make the whole thing distracting. One painted with a fair skinned color tone and the other lightly honey colored, both cups are shaped masterfully. The cups capture the 360 degree, well-chiseled bodies of Regis and Clarus, in this respective order, starting from their pectoral area to their six-pack abdominal area until their unashamed fully erect cock and crown jewels on the front side. For the back side, their strong back muscles form beautifully until their well-rounded, strong looking buttocks. 

To differentiate the one from the other, the King Edition cup happens to have Regis’ signature black scarf with golden embroidery while the Senior Shield Edition has Clarus’ family crest painted on the novelty item with the use of gold as its color.

The artist is very brilliant, in the King’s opinion. For Clarus, it’s just...

“Alright, what in Astrals- _fuck_ is that.”

“Wait, let me explain,” Regis immediately reasons out, seeing Clarus’ skeptical look at him and at the cups. 

“I don’t even know where you got those. I don’t even know what you were thinking when you got those.”

“No, no. Listen!” Regis insists, waiting for Clarus to put his attention on his reason.

“Fine, start talking now.”

“Good, so it’s the talk of the city, about this artist. This artist is really good at making novelty items with a twist. I looked into it and I immediately saw this bundle sale of King and Senior Shield Mug Edition. I got it because I wanted to see the craftsmanship of the said artist’s work, hence I bought it and here they are.”

With a big grin on his face, Regis picks up the Senior Shield Edition cup and takes a closer look at how well detailed it is. 

“…Throw it,” Clarus says, not accepting such items to exist in front of him.

“Why the heck would I throw it?”

“You are the King of Insomnia for Astral’s sake, Regis!” Clarus reasons out loud, putting a mental note to ask the Crownsguard to keep to themselves whatever they hear now, after they finish this ridiculous argument. Knowing how they argue _as a couple_ , they tend to turn things up a notch. 

“Exactly why I can have this! I am the King," Regis smirks with his eyebrow raised.

“Those cups do not look like us at all. That item doesn’t even look like me underneath all of these layers of clothing," Clarus raises an eyebrow at the Senior Shield Edition cup. 

“Yes, it does. Let me see…” Taking the cup, Regis backs up a bit to evaluate and marvel at Clarus’ physique, he looks at the cup’s detail and his lover’s body. After a minute, he gasps loudly, not believing what he sees.

“Shiva’s _tits,_ you’re right! It doesn’t look like you!”

‘Finally, I have knocked some sense out of him – ’

“Why is your cock _smaller_ than mine?”

Looking at the Shield Edition cup and at his lover’s cock underneath the royal garments, with no sense of shame back and forth, he scrutinizes the artist’s work rendered on his lover’s cock… and his Shield is correct! Looking at both the cups he bought, he puts them together side by side, criticizing them.

"You’re right, this is not right at all.”

“…Are you _fucking_ serious?”

“What? Of course! This is unacceptable. The _people_ should know _by now_ how well-endowed Amicitian men are! Are they _fucking_ blind? Just because I’m King doesn’t mean I have the bigger dick! You and Gladiolus are huge, from top to bottom!” 

Clarus winces loudly upon hearing his son’s name. He has enough of his long time lover’s unhealthy _obsession_ about the novelty mug’s design. “Are you a pervert or what? Do NOT talk about my son nor mention his name one more time when you’re ranting about _dick mugs_!” 

Unbeknown by either of them, Gladio sneezes twice, interrupting his _sweet oh sweet_ training with Noctis. His brows furrow at who has the balls to talk about him behind his back. 

Regis rolls his eyes while crossing his arms, “But aren’t you annoyed about this!? Because I am, Clarus. If they’re going to say on the box, ‘Rendered with 100% accuracy! Our handsome King and Senior Shield,’ then it _should_ be damn accurate!” 

Then suddenly, like a light bulb went on in his head, Regis grins and retrieves the mugs’ box on the table. He turns it around, finds nothing that he’s looking for. He opens the box instead and immediately sees the card inside. Filled with excitement, Regis quickly takes his phone out from his pocket and dials the numbers on the card. 

“I have a better idea! I will talk to the artist in person and have everything adjusted! I will have all the mugs recalled for that person to render things as accurate as possible! I just can’t stop staring at it. Senior Shield Edition’s erection should be bigger than mine – hey! What in the Astrals are you doing!?”

Stone-faced and without warning, Clarus takes his phone and calling card of the artist. Before Regis can even react, the Senior Shield opens the window, quickly crumples the card, and throws both the daemonic calling card and cellular phone of the King without a care. And before the King can even salvage the situation by warping out of the room with the _abomination_ of novelty items, he immediately takes the cups off the table and also throws them out of the window, hearing a distant yell of some personnel or Glaive of Citadel. 

He doesn’t care. As long as those aren’t within Regis’ reach, everything is going to be fine. They will forget this has ever happened, run Insomnia before it runs through the ground, and have steamy, rough sex on whatever surface they feel like breaking. 

With a sense of authority and a clear voice, Clarus looks at Regis who is now glaring daggers at him. He speaks, acting like he’s the one wearing the pants in their relationship, “Problem solved. You don’t have to break any Astrals forbid protocols or any royalty decorum. As your advisor and lover, stick with the real thing. That ceramic mug isn’t going to get you off anyways. You want 100% accuracy? What am I here for?”

“…You're still buying the replacement for those cups _and_ my phone, Clarus. I can’t believe you did that. They're just mugs!” Regis exasperates at how unreasonable the older man’s actions are. 

“As you wish, Your Majesty. But on the other matter, over my dead body, Regis,” Clarus replies, looking unfazed. Observing his younger lover’s facial expression, he crosses his arms once again as he waits on what happens next. He can see it any second now: how explosive, dramatic, and _adorable_ his lover’s tantrums are, which always result in him doing damage control. 

‘Bring it on,’ Clarus mentally says confidently. He isn’t the head of Amicitia for nothing. He isn’t just waving his manhood in the air, he can handle anything that his lover will serve him. _Anything._

“Fine then.”

Eyes filled with determination, Regis isn’t going to pass this lightly. How can Clarus do this!? Making him look like he’s the one taking it up in his royal bottom all the time! He is Insomnia’s fucking King! As much as he isn’t blessed by the gods down south and under his pants, he still, and can call the shots. He isn’t going to be a pushover for this. Not just that, it is rare for him to see any merchandise that is modeled after him or Clarus! It’s a special, rare item! 

Schooling his expression, Regis walks towards the door, ignoring his Shield eyeing him. Before he turns the knob, he looks at Clarus one more time and says, “Your _balls’_ funeral, Clarus. You leave me with no choice. I’ll take this matter into my own hands. Have fun having blue balls for the rest of the week. You just wait.”

And then the King slams the door loudly, leaving Clarus there standing with his eyes still at the door.

He sighs loudly, “Seriously, what’s with Caelums and their weird taste? It must run in the family.”

**Author's Note:**

> We just had to bring these two awesome men into the series! lol.


End file.
